


At The Edge

by ColdBloodedJellyDoughnut



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Infidelity, M/M, Mentions of Cancer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-07 16:11:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10364388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColdBloodedJellyDoughnut/pseuds/ColdBloodedJellyDoughnut
Summary: Aaron was looking forward to his second hotel visit with Robert, that was until his worst nightmares turned up at the pub.An alternative story of how Aaron's abuse story could have gone. After being diagnosed with cancer Gordon returns to Emmerdale.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So, like many I am writing away my sadness. I have had this story in my head for a long time and final sat down and worked on it.

Aaron thought he would never see his father again. Aaron often imagined getting a phone call from Sandra, telling him Gordon had died. He imagined going to the funeral, hearing people talk about what great man Gordon was. He imagined finally unloading the years of secret, exposing Gordon fas a monster. Aaron imagined finally being able to see his sister again. H He never imagined seeing him again. He never imagined seeing Gordon in the pub. Never imagined Gordon sitting next to Paddy and talking to his mum. 

“Aaron,” His father said, and his blood ran cold, fear running through his body. He felt eight again, scared and broken in his bed. It took all Aaron's strength to stand instead of breaking down. It took every ounce of strength to walk into the back without shedding a tear. He headed upstairs and changed into a suit, focusing his mind on getting to the hotel with Robert. 

“Love,” Chas said. “Where are you going?” She asked as she took in his bag. 

“Away,” Aaron told him. Two main thoughts were running through Aaron's mind. Getting away from Gordon and seeing Robert. Somehow, his mind seemed to think being near Robert would somehow help him. 

“Aaron, your dad…” She began. Calling that man, his dad, it made bile rise in his false. He was no dad. 

“I don’t want to see him,” Aaron shouted his voice somehow sounding steady instead of filled with terror. 

“He’s sick,” Chas said. “Cancer.” Aaron would never admit it, but for a second he felt relief. His father had an illness that might kill him, that might make sure Gordon never touched him again. 

“I don’t care,” Aaron told her.

“You might,” Chas said. “Aaron, I don’t know what went on between you two” Chas began

“No you don’t” Aaron snapped. “You abandoned me. You left me with him.” He shouted. 

“I thought it was best,” Chas said. 

“Yeah, for you, you never cared about me” Aaron spat. He saw Chas’s face change, the pain and he would have felt guilty any other day. Now, all Aaron could think about was escaping with Robert. Why were all his thoughts ending with Robert?

“Aaron, that’s not true” Chas began, the hurt clear in her voice. 

“I’ll be back tomorrow. He better be gone.” He told her as he walked to his car. 

Waiting for Robert in the hotel was a nightmare. Aaron tried to focus on the game, on spending the time with Robert. A whole night to themselves. His mind though kept drifting, to thoughts he long pushed deep down. No, he wasn’t going there. 

When Robert walked into the hotel room he felt relief. He wanted to get off the bed and hug him, hold him close and fall apart in his arms. He didn’t though. He couldn't. Instead, he made a joke, smiled, and soon Robert was kissing him, pulling at his jacket. Aaron kissed back, and he could do this, he’d pushed Gordon away so many times before. He could kiss Robert and be normal. 

Then Robert pushed him back onto the bed and straddled him. He continued to kiss him as he worked on unbuttoning his shirt. He was fine, he could do this, and then he wasn’t. Robert pinned his wrists over his head, and the memories came rushing back. He could smell his dad's breath, hear his angry voice whispering this was because he was naughty. His face, the inhuman expression that had been haunting his since he was eight flashed in front of him. He had to fight. He had to stop it from happening again. He would be good. If he stopped, he could be good. 

“Aaron… Aaron?’ Robert's voice spoke through the haze. Robert’s face was back. He wasn't on top of Aaron anymore. He was kneeling next to him. Robert looked confused, looked worried. Aaron felt ashamed, exposed. He knew Robert would be disgusted now. He'd never want him again. Aaron pushed him off, running for the bathroom.

———

Robert had been going crazy all day waiting for Aaron, waiting to see him in a suit and rip it off him. To spend the night with him. God, he couldn’t wait. When he arrived in the room he was quick to flirt with Aaron, he was wearing a suit but no tie. Robert could work with that. As he made his way to the bed he sat down, kissing Aaron. He could never get enough of kissing Aaron, touching him, he’d long since decided he’d still be having Aaron after his wedding. The sex was just to good to give up, he wasn’t going to tell Aaron that anytime soon. 

Robert pushed Aaron back on the bed straddling him and whispering dirty things into his ears, yeah, he was not giving this up, He grabbed Aaron wrists, pinning them above his head, thats when Aaron stopped kissing him. “Stop” Robert wasn’t a monster, he instantly let go of his wrists, he thought Aaron would like it, they had always been rough with each other. “Please stop” He repeated. Robert looked at Aaron I confusion and noticed a terrified look on his face. “I’ll be good” Aaron said his voice desperate. “I’ll be good you don’t need to punish me, I’ll be good please stop” 

“Aaron” He said climbing off of Aaron, hoping it would stop, whatever was going on in Aaron’s head. “Aron, your okay? Aaron? Aaron” Aaron was off the bed in seconds and ran to the bathroom closing the door behind him.  
——— 

"Aaron" Robert shouted as he knocked on the door for what felt like the millionth time. He looked at his phone to check the time, noticing that Chrisse had rung twice. Robert could not deal with her until Aaron was okay. His eyes glanced at the time on his phone and he knocked on the door. Half an hour, Aaron had been in the shower for half an hour. Robert knew about the cutting. He knew how Aaron dealt with pain. Robert felt terrified Aaron was hurting himself. 

“Aaron if you don’t open this door, I will get security” Robert shouted. Images of Aaron bleeding flashing through his head. The water stopped, and the lock clicked. Robert let out a sigh of relief and opened the door. 

Robert walked into the room which filled with hot steam. His hands landed on Aaron who was pulling on an undershirt. Robert saw a quick glimpse of red before he pulled the shirt down. No. Something overcame Robert, and he had to hold Aaron, he pulled him close and wrapped his arms around Aaron. 

Robert expected Aaron to pull away. Instead, Aaron leaned into him tears rolling down his face as he sobbed into Robert’s shoulder. Robert walked Aaron backward towards the bed. He pulled away from Aaron, sitting Aaron down on the bed before sitting across from him. Robert noticed the blood had leaked through his shirt. He could feel the blood on his stomach. It didn't matter. 

“Aaron, what happened?” Robert asked him. “Did… did someone hurt you?” Robert didn’t mean the blood, no, he knew that was Aaron. The fear earlier, it was as if Aaron was in another place, begging someone to stop. Begging, pleading, he had to be wrong. A bad feeling had settled in his stomach, and it wouldn't go away. 

“My dad” Aaron sobbed, Robert needed to hold him. Aaron looked so damaged, so broken. Robert pulled Aaron close again, and Aaron settled his head on his shoulder. Robert felt his dread increase as pieces of the puzzle of Aaron began to fall into place. He wanted to be wrong. He hoped he was wrong. “He came back” Aaron cried. 

“And he hurt you?” Robert asked.

“No, he’s got cancer,” Aaron said. Robert wanted to believe there was nothing else to it, just, confusion and worry for a sick parent. 

“But when you were little, he hurt you?” Robert asked. He could feel Aaron nod against his shoulder. No, no this couldn’t be true, please no. “He hit you, beat you?” Robert questioned, and Aaron sobbed hard. “Worse?” He nodded against his shoulder. “Aaron did he…” Robert asked him. “Did he rape you?” Aaron’s grip on his shoulder tightened, and the crying somehow became more intense. Robert pulled away, looking at Aaron's face, he didn't need to answer, Robert knew. 

"How old were you” Another look of pain crossed Aaron’s face. “Sorry,” Robert said, and a few seconds later Aaron spoke.

“First time I was eight.” 

———

Robert had never in his life felt more exhausted. What Aaron had told him…

It was hard to process what happened to him Robert felt out of his depth. How could he help Aaron through this? He begged him, pleaded with him to tell his mother, he wouldn’t. 

Aaron asked Robert why he was bothering, why he cared what happened to his 'bit on the side.' The words slipped out of his mouth and shocked them both. 

“Because I love you” Shit, the second the words left his mouth he knew they were true. He loved Aaron. 

He felt torn between Chrissie and Aaron. Chrissie and his perfect life had always been his priority. Now, though, he had a new focus, a new desire to keep Aaron safe, to protect him, to destroy his father. Robert had never felt such an intense need to protect someone. His entire life was about self-preservation, about getting what he wanted. 

Now all he could think of was how he could keep Aaron safe and how he could destroy Gordon. Thinking of the man anywhere near Aaron terrified him. He had to make him leave. Robert looked over at Aaron's sleeping on the bed next to him. Even in his sleep, it looked like there was a weight on him, crushing him. How could anyone do that to their child? 

After Robert’s admission he got Aaron to lie down, he even allowed Robert to lift his shirt and look at the cuts. One was deep enough that Robert needed to stop the bleeding. He called reception asking for a first aid kit and managed to clean up the cuts. Aaron fell asleep soon after, the weight of the day leaving him exhausted. Robert wanted to stay awake, to keep an eye on Aaron but eventually he drifted to sleep.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron heads back to the pub while Robert spends the day worrying about Aaron and avoiding Chrissie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments guys! I appreciate it, I’ve been away from the fan fiction world for a while and I am jumping back in with this story! I’ve got a lot of ideas. I was originally going to write in Rebecca but probably won’t after last week! 
> 
> If anyone wants to give grammar or writing feedback or tips feel free. I am a bit rusty after all. Also here are some mildly violent thoughts in this chapter.

A soft whimpering woke Robert from his sleep. It took him a few seconds to process what was happening. “Aaron,” He said, he switched on the lamp on the bedside table. 

“Aaron,” Robert said as he looked at Aaron’s face, a look of distress covering his face. “Aaron” He repeated, before putting a hand on his shoulder. Aaron’s eyes sprang open, and Robert could see terror. “Aaron, you’re okay, your safe” He began. A look of recognition crossed Aaron’s face. Robert walked to the fridge getting a bottle of water unscrewing the cap. He handed it to Aaron who sat up taking a long drink from the bottle.

“Was that about him?” Robert asked unable to hide his disgust at the word ‘him.' Aaron nodded as he took another drink. “Do you get them a lot?”

“No,” Aaron said. “Not in ages,” Aaron told him. “I got them for a few months after… then for a while after he kicked me out” Aaron admitted. “I get them every now and again” Aaron explained, “What time is it?” Robert grabbed his phone from the bedside table. His screen was filled with texts from Chrissie, asking where he was. Accusing him of lying. Fuck. She knew he lied about the business meeting. He could deal with her later. He could talk her round. Now, he had to help Aaron. 

“4:17” Aaron let out a heavy sigh. 

“It's hard to get back to sleep after,” Aaron told him.

“What do you usually do?” He asked him. 

“Run sometimes, if the suns out” Aaron admitted. He paused for a long time, and Robert could bet hurting himself was another way he dealt with the nightmares. “I had a dog a while back, Clyde,” Aaron said. “I would go downstairs and turn on the tv, and he would always find me, sit with me till everyone woke up” Aaron admitted. Robert got up and walked towards the tv, flicking it on before walking to bed. 

————————— 

Robert wasn’t sure when he fell asleep when he woke up he turned to look at Aaron to find an empty space. Robert sat up in a panic before he saw Aaron standing at the window looking out.

“I thought you’d gone for a second” Robert admitted as he laid back on the bed. 

“Putting off going back to the pub” He admitted. 

“About last night…” Robert began.

“I’m not telling anyone,” Aaron said to him. 

“Aaron, you need to tell your mum or Paddy,” Robert said.

"I told you, I can’t,” Aaron said sternly. “I can’t deal with anyone else knowing.” 

“Aaron, don’t you think your mum deserves to know,” Robert said.

"She won't believe me," Aaron said. 

"Aaron she loves you, she'll believe ya, she'll help you" Robert begged.

“You gotta let me deal with this on my own” 

“Your not on your own anymore” Robert responded. “I'm here, whatever you need to do, whatever it is you have to do.”

“Why are you doing this?” Aaron said. “Why do you care, your getting married next week, you want this to be over.”

“I don’t” Robert. “I don’t want this to be over.” 

“It is,” Aaron said. “We’re done,” Aaron said. 

“I don’t want us to be over. We can continue” Robert said. 

“And what if I can’t sleep with you?" Aaron said. “When he's not around I can cope, I can be normal, but with him around..."

“I don’t care,” Robert told him. He was shocked that he meant it. He'd miss it yeah, crave it, of course. He would never expect it, not after what happened to Aaron. 

"I'd never want to trigger something like last night again," Robert said. "I'm sorry that I caused it in the first place."

"You didn't," Aaron said. "I was trying to push it down, pretend it wasn't happening."

"I get it. After having him back, I can understand not wanting me to touch you."

“You don’t get it” Aaron said.

“You’re right. I don’t,” Robert said. “No one does, you’ve been dealing with on your own, and I can’t imagine what it’s like,” Robert told him. “But your not on your own” Robert promised. “Not anymore.”

“What about Chrissie?” Aaron asked. “Your perfect life?” Aaron mocked.

“I’ll always have time for you Aaron if you need me, find me,” Robert said. “I’m with you Aaron, whatever you decide to do.” 

“Until your honeymoon” Aaron said, Robert had thought of it.

“I’ll find a way to postpone it. I can say I'm worried about leaving Lachlan after all the trouble he caused. That'll buy me point with Chrissie,” Robert told him. “I don’t want to leave you when he’s still around.”

"You'd call of your honeymoon?" Aaron questioned. 

"I'm not leaving you now" Robert promised. He decided to leave out the fact that Chrissie had somehow known he had lied. Aaron didn't need to worry about him. 

Robert had wanted to drive home with Aaron. It would be easy enough to drive Aaron home in his car and catch a taxi back to the hotel so he could drive his car home. Aaron stated that was daft and he could drive himself home. Still, Robert made sure to follow Aaron’s care the entire way home. Robert watched him park his car, watched him walk inside. He waited outside for another ten minutes, just in case Aaron came out in a mood. 

——— 

When Aaron arrived in the backroom, Chas was sitting on the sofa, lost in thought.

“Hiya,” Aaron said as he walked over to her. 

“Aaron,” Chas said as she got up. “Thank God,” She said as she wrapped his arms around him. It felt comforting, safe. “I’ve been so worried you’d gone and done something stupid” She admitted as she pulled away. “Where have you been?”

“Just needed to clear my head” Aaron admitted to her as he and Chas sat down on the sofa. “I’m sorry about what I said” he added. 

“I get that, it’s not every day you find out your dad has cancer,” She said, putting a comforting hand on his arm. 

“I don’t care about him,” Aaron told her.

“Aaron's don’t say that,” Chas said. Her voice worried. ‘He’s your dad. I know things got bad” Chas began.

“Mum” Aaron cut her off. “I don’t need him I only need you” Aaron promised. “I want him gone.”

“He is,” Chas told him. “I told him you need time.” 

“I don’t need time. I need him out of my life” Aaron told her, trying to fight back the anger.

“Okay,” Chas said. “But if you change your mind I’m here, whatever you need,” Chas told him. Aaron nodded at that, feeling the relief run through his body. It was as if he can finally breathe again. 

“You know though Aaron, you have to know” Chas began as she took hold of his hand. “If I could turn back the clock and do things differently. I would never leave you again” Aaron shook his head, fighting back the tears.

He had spent years imagining the world in which Chas never left him. Sometimes the fantasy world was all that got him through the day. He would live in a world without Gordon, a childhood full of laughs, beach trips, and treasure hunting. Aaron imagines days spent at the arcade and nights spent watching a movie. At night Aaron imagined Chas tucking him and reading him stories. 

As he got older thinking of the fantasy world became too painful. His sadness replaced by the all-consuming anger that fuelled his teen years. Aaron knew he had hurt her the night before when he threw her leaving on her face. Aaron knew how guilty she would feel if Aaron told her the truth. 

“I shouldn’t have said what I did yesterday,” He explained. “No one of this is your fault,” he told Chas. Still, she smiled a genuine smile and pulled him into her arms again. 

“I love you, Aaron.”

——— 

When Robert arrived home, he went straight upstairs and into the shower. Thankfully, here was no sign of Chrissie, Robert was not ready to deal with her anger. He would figure out a lie to spin later. Turning on the water, Robert began to undress looking down at the blood on his stomach. He hadn't showered that morning, too worried to leave Aaron alone. Aaron's blood had leaked through his shirt and dried on his stomach. It made him remember the image of Aaron's stomach cut up and bleeding. 

He stepped into the shower, trying to push the image out of his head. Robert couldn't fully understand what he was feeling. He felt sick knowing what had happened to Aaron, a deep sadness, and an intense rage. Robert had been angry before but not like this. He wanted to destroy Gordon, to take everything away from him, he wanted to see him in prison, see him die. His mind drifted to how hard it would be to poison Gordon and blame it on cancer, or hiring a hit man. If he paid in cash, they couldn't trace to him. A part of him scoffed at hit man, he wanted to torture Gordon himself. Robert wanted to make Gordon as scared as he made Aaron.

When he thought of Aaron though, he wouldn't want him to hurt Gordon. No, Aaron was far too decent for that. Robert wasn't delusional, Aaron was far for perfect, but he was driven to do the right thing. He wanted Gordon far away from him, but he would never want him killed. As Robert turned off the water, he needed to do something. 

After walking into his room and getting dressed he grabbed his phone and typed in a familiar number. 

"Hey, it's me," Robert said. "I need information on someone... Gordon Livesy... everything you can get... I don't care how much it costs." 

Robert put his phone back in his pocket. He still wasn’t ready to face Chrissie. The messages had turned from asking where he was to angry voicemails accusing him of cheating on her. He could push back dealing with her for a few more hours, come up with a solid excuse. For now, though, he had a business meeting, and then he had to check on Aaron.

——— 

After they had spoken, Aaron had gone upstairs for a shower. Robert has been too scared to leave Aaron alone long enough to shower. He even suggested Aaron could shower if Robert could stay in the bathroom. His voice laced with worry and not an ounce of desire. Having Robert watch him shower, though, it felt far too intimate for him. After he showed and got dressed, he walked downstairs, ready to go on a scrap run.

“I knew he was up to something,” Katie’s smug voice said as Aaron walked into the backroom.

“Who was he with?” Chas asked.

“Never found out. We were there for forty minutes before Chrissie tried to call him” Katie explained. “He wouldn’t answer her calls” Katie explained. “Too busy to answer.” 

Aaron turned around grabbed his jacket, he would be stopping at Home Farm first. 

——— 

Aaron sat in his car tapping his fingers against the dashboard. He had been sitting outside of Home Farm for twenty minutes debating his next move. Robert had helped him, and now he was suffering, a part of him was happy. He wanted Chrissie and Robert broken up, at least he had a few days ago. He should have been happy. Icould mean having Robert to himself. Robert might lash out. He tended to every time he was scared he might lose Chrissie. 

Aaron wouldn't blame him if he lashed out. Robert had helped him, believed him, and his life was falling apart because of it. It wasn’t just that, Robert knew his biggest secret. Robert knew, and that was terrifying to Aaron. Robert had told him nothing had changed, but he also didn't kiss him. How could Robert want him now, and if Chrissie kicked him out, he might leave. Robert might be decided Aaron had caused too much trouble and be done with him. Gordon had told him once everyone would leave him eventually, and Aaron knew he was right. So he made the decision, get out of his car and walking to the Home Farm Office. 

“Aaron, what are you doing here?” Chrissie asked. Aaron felt relieved that Chrissie was alone.

“I heard about last night, from Katie. Have you spoken to Robert?” He asked him. 

“I don’t want to talk about this with you,” She told him. “Katie should stop running her mouth” She sighed.

“He wasn’t with another woman,” Aaron told her. “He wasn’t cheating last night.” 

“What are you talking about?” Chrissie asked. Aaron let out a breath before lifting up his shirt revealing the fresh cuts on his stomach. He dropped his shirt, pulling the hem down to make sure to cover his cuts. 

“My dad came back yesterday, and I flipped out. He kicked me out when I was a teenager, and he comes back telling me he had cancer.” Aaron explained “Robert found me,” Aaron told her “at the scrapyard” He added. “He made me talk. t, because of his dad.” Aaron also added. Everyone knew the story of Robert and his father, Robert had told him some of it, but Chrissie didn’t need to know that. 

“I needed to get away. Robert had the room already. He was going to surprise you. His meeting got canceled, and Robert thought you guys needed a night away” Aaron explained. “He could see I needed an escape. "I think he’d seen the cuts before, the old ones, scars, and he was too scared to leave me alone. Once he left me alone so I could shower…” He began. “Guess he knew what I was doing, he made me let him in after he saw it, well there was no way he’d leave.”

“And I'm supposed to believe you're not covering for him?” Chrissie said.

“Why would I lie about this, show you this if it wasn’t true,” Aaron told her, a part of him was shocked the lie came so naturally. “Check his laundry, one of his shirts, it’ll be blood soaked,” Aaron said. “Bet you’ll find a bloody hotel towel too, he used it to stop the bleeding. It was easier to steal it than explaining the blood.” Aaron said before leaving the office, already regretting what he had done.

———

Robert manages to spend the entire day avoiding Chrissie. He had gone to a meeting and spent the rest of the day at the scrapyard. Googling cancer outcomes, reading about chemo side effects, imagining Gordon suffering them. He spent another few hours thinking of Aaron and trying to text him. Besides a simple ‘He’s gone’ and a short ‘on a scrap run’ Aaron didn’t respond. After his third, ‘are you okay’ in half an hour Robert finally gave up on Aaron returning to the scrapyard. It was time to face the music and head home. 

When Robert walked into the office, he was ready for a fight. He was ready to argue, to shout and probably not have good make up sex. What happened to Aaron was so fresh in his mind, he doubted he could have sex if he tried. It was there every second, make him feel sick, worried and completely devastated. Images of Aaron’s face the night before, of a broken young Aaron. Fear that Gordon would turn up at the pub again. It was all he could think about.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Chrissie said the second he walked into the office.

“You accused me of cheating through voice mail,” Robert said. “I wanted to calm down before I saw you” Robert lied. Usually, he would have spent the day thinking of an excuse, but his mind had been too distracted. He would have to wing it. 

"Your car was at a nearby hotel," Chrissie said. "You weren't answering your phone, what was I supposed to think."

"Why were you even at a hotel?" He asked.

"Katie" Chrissie admitted. "She overheard you on the phone, talking about it." 

"And you listened," Robert asked, making sure to show anger. "Katie is out to get me."

"I know,” Chrissie told him. “Aaron came by, told me everything,” Chrissie said as she stood up from her chair and walked over to him. 

“He told you?” Robert asked, confusion and anger running through him. Then outright shock when Chrissie kissed him softly. 

“He told me about his dad coming back. How you were going to surprise me, but he needed to get away, and you caught him cutting himself “ Chrissie said to him. “You were looking out for a friend, I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions,” Chrissie said. “I shouldn’t have listened to Katie. I should have waited to talk to you before I accused you of cheating.” 

“It’s okay. I should have talked to you sooner, I’ve spent half the day looking for Aaron. I’m worried about him,” Robert told her, the lie coming naturally to him. Why did Aaron cover for him? 

“You're a good man, “ She told him, kissing him again. “Do you want to open a bottle, relax and have a drink?” Robert plastered on a fake smile, he wanted to check on Aaron, but he got the sense he needed space. Robert would find Aaron in the morning. 

"Sounds perfect." Robert smiled as Chrissie kissed him again before she away to get the wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Robert and Aaron talk about why he covered for him. Chas worries about Gordon’s health, Robert tries to get dirt on Gordon, Katie finds out Chrissie took Robert back, and Paddy talks to Aaron. 
> 
> Quick side note, I miss Clyde and have a head canon of what would happen if Gordon came back when Aaron had Clyde. Clyde would go absolutely bat shit every time Gordon was around, he would bark non stop and would have to be held back.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so there are self-harm thoughts and Aaron’s inner thoughts on abuse in this chapter. They are both in the fourth section, I bolded the first and last word of the self harm thought paragraphs **'Aaron** ’ and the last word **‘sane’** , and the first and last words of the abuse thoughts in italics _‘Not him’_ and ‘ _memories_ ’ If you are worried you might be triggered please skip these sections if you think you might be triggered please scroll past I don’t want to distress anyone, especially since I really channel my own experience when I write about Aaron’s cutting.
> 
>  
> 
> Also in the last chapter I mentioned Robert plotting against Gordon in this chapter, that didn’t go with the flow of the chapter so I removed it out, he definitely spent the day plotting though, and thankfully not against Katie. I see him being too busy dealing with Aaron’s revelation to threaten Katie and set her caravan on fire. Especially because in canon he didn’t get really angry at Katie until Aaron rejected him. Thankful in this world Robert doesn’t need to use arson techniques.

 

Robert was not an early riser. It is the part of the farm life he hated most. He’d much rather spend an early morning having a lie in then get up before 7. Still, he'd given up sleep at 6:45 and gotten ready for the day. He had one main thought in his mind, driving him out of the house. Aaron. That's why he ended up at the scrapyard. He noticed Aaron's car smiling to himself. He made sure to check his reflection before getting out of the car and locking the door.

When he walked into the portacabin, Aaron was sitting at one of the desks paperwork in front of him.

“Hey,” Robert said as he

“Hiya” Aaron replied.

“You’re up early,” Robert said as he walked further inside.

“So are you,” Aaron said.

“Couldn’t sleep” Robert admitted. “I didn’t see you much once we got back.”

“I had a lot to do,” Aaron told him.

“So you weren’t avoiding me?” Robert asked.

“I needed space,” Aaron admitted.

“I get that,” Robert said. “I don’t get why you covered for me with Chrissie.”

“Does it matter?” Aaron told him as he stood up. Walking past Robert to turn on the kettle.

“I didn’t want your break up on my head,” Aaron said as he got one of the clean mugs.

“When I’ve mentioned Chrissie before, you don’t seem to be her biggest fan,” Robert said confused. “I mean, do you want me marrying her?” He asked.

“I couldn’t stop you, could I?” Aaron asked.

“That wasn’t the question,” Robert said.

"I don't know why," Aaron said. It was true Aaron was confused at his actions. Surely it was partly his self-sabotage tendency. Robert single was all he had wanted for weeks, and when he got it, he had to destroy it. He knew it was partly fear of Robert hating him, partly fear of him being too close. Another fear was without Aaron and Chrissie to sleep with Robert would find someone else. Another man even.

“I’d rather you with her then someone else, some other guy,” Aaron told him.

“Someone else?” Robert asked confused.

“Well, with me not wanting to…” Aaron made a motion that was meant to represent sex, Robert found the action oddly cute. “I know you’d look elsewhere if you didn’t have her.”

“You think I’m that easy?” Robert asked. “That’d I’d just replace you with anyone?”

“Come on Robert; I know what you're like, you can barely leave your pants zipped.”

“Every thought it was you who brought that out in me?” Robert asked him. “That I want you all the time, not some random.” Aaron looked down at his hands at those words, pulling his sleeves over his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make you… I know you're not in the right place.”

“It’s not that,” Aaron said. “How can you want me after knowing what he did it”

“Aaron, what happened to you, it doesn’t change how I feel about you,” Robert said. “I want you. I'm not going to run off with someone else, that's the last thing I want.” Robert explained.

“You can’t tell me you don’t see me differently now,” Aaron said.

“I do see you differently” Robert admitted. “Not in the way your thinking. You're incredible Aaron, and brave, to go through what you have and be where you are” Robert explained. “You're the strongest person I know” Aaron looks up at Robert, examined the look on his face. Aaron was about to speak when they heard a car.

“That’ll be Adam,” Aaron said

“I have to go away. I’ve got a business meeting. I’ll be gone most of the day” Robert told him. Robert felt a strange sense of guilt lying to Aaron about his business meeting. He hadn't felt guilty for lying in a long time if Aaron knew his plans he would try and talk him out of it, though. What Robert was doing was to help Aaron not to hurt him.

“Okay” Aaron nodded as he began to focus on making his tea.

“I’ll swing by the pub later” Robert promised, “We can get a drink.”

“Or swing by here” Aaron suggested. “We keep beers in the fridge.”

“Yeah?” Robert asked with a smile.

“Yeah,” Aaron said.

———

Chas had a hard time getting up. She had spent the night tossing and turning worrying about Gordon and Aaron. The only thing that got her up was James bringing her toast and strong coffee in bed. Chas knew she no doubts kept him up with her tossing and turning.

She was worried about Aaron of course, and she promised to let him decide what to do, and she meant it. Still, Gordon had told Chas he was divorced. That he barely got to see Liv and Sandra wanted nothing to do with him. He sounded completely alone in the world. The more she thought of how alone Gordon was, the more the worry grew.

If God forbid, she ever got a cancer diagnosis she would have people taking care of her. Aaron for one, he had a tendency to look after people. She’d seen it with Jackson. She’d seen it when she covered for Adam. She had also seen it when she had visited him after everything Cameron. He had taken such good care of her. If she were sick, she’d have Aaron taking her to treatment and taking care of her after chemo. She also had James and her family. She’d have her son, her boyfriend and an army of Dingle’s at her side.

Gordon though, she knew his father died, and he was estranged from his mother. His son wanted nothing to do with him and his daughter too young for such a burden. He also had two ex-wives who weren’t involved in his life. Who was driving him to appointments? Going to the doctors to pick up important details he missed, looking after him when he was too sick to move? She knew how badly they ended, how much she was hurt. Still, she had to feel sad for him. He was completely alone in the world. To Chas, Gordon didn’t deserve that.

Chas also knew Aaron, and she knew the guilt he carried, his tendency to put the blame on himself. She may not have been the best person to talk to him, though, and maybe Paddy would have better luck.  
———

Chrissie had spent the morning at the pub with Layla finalising the details of the wedding. She was starting to feel the excitement of the wedding and her new life with Robert. Chrissie was trying to push down her insecurities and worries. She was boarding on crazy, Robert had explained where he was, and she believed him. It was impossible not to see Aaron was struggling, and she had seen it when he talked to her the day before. His father returning had clear taken a toll on him, and it seemed to effect Robert too.

He was the distanced yesterday, wanting an early night, he didn’t even try to initiate sex. Robert had a high sex drive, going more than a few days without sex was almost impossible. The night before, Chrissie decided to innate, and he turned her down, claiming he was too tired. It felt wrong, Robert had never turned her down. The more she thought about it, the more sense it made. Seeing Aaron get a second chance with his dad, it must have been hard for him. Robert didn’t talk about Jack, but Chrissie knew how much it hurt Robert that he never made peace with his dad.

“We should go to the church, make sure everything is ready for next week,” Leyla told her. Chrissie agreed and as they headed out to her car when Katie walked up to her.

“Can we talk?” Katie asked.

“I’ll meet you in the car,” She told Leyla who nodded and walked outside.

“It almost looks like your still planning a wedding,” Katie said confused.

“I am still planning a wedding,” Chrissie told her, unable to hide the anger.

“You're kidding me, how did he talk his way out of it?” Katie asked.

“That’s not your business,” Chrissie said. “I should never have listened to you.”

“He was at a hotel! How can you forgive that?”

“He wasn’t with another woman,” Chrissie told her sternly. “He was with Aaron.”

“Aaron?” Katie asked confused. “You mean he and Aaron…”

“No!” Chrissie shouted cutting her off. “Aaron needed to get away, his father came back, and well Aaron is a trouble young man.”

“I know Aaron’s troubled, but why would Robert help him. He doesn’t help people unless he can get something out of it” Katie told her.

“You don’t know him, Katie. He’s changed from who he was when you knew him. Most people grow up” Chrissie told her. ”Just because you're the same person you didn't mean Robert is,” Chrissie said before walking out to follow Layla.

———

 **Aaron** walked into the backroom drenched in sweat and panting. He had gone on his second run for the day. Nightmares about Gordon had woken Aaron early in the morning. Waking panicked it took a few moments for Aaron to realise he was safe. Gordon wasn’t in his room or waiting for him around the corner. The unease from the nightmares wasn’t as quick to leave. After laying in his bed for half an hour, he decided to go for an early morning run. Running was the only thing that seemed to clear his head, at least temporarily. Putting on his music and running through the woods feeling the wind felt freeing to him. Then afterward, the ache in his muscles was a distraction from his thoughts.

It was at 11 that Adam declared he was driving him mad and told him to take a break. Aaron had felt a sense of anxiety and dread he couldn’t seem to overcome. The urge to cut was almost overwhelming. When Adam wasn’t looking Aaron would press his hands against his fresh cuts, the pain helped him ease the worry. It wasn’t enough, and he wanted to cut again, so badly. He knew Robert was concerned and he might check for fresh cuts. Aaron didn’t want to let him Robert down. Running was the best option. The second run was better than the first. Aaron could feel the pain his muscles, and by the time he returned to Emmerdale his legs were burning. He knew he was wrong and broken for it, for getting a sense of relief from the pain. Knew it was bad that the only thing that gave him a moment of freedom from the storm in his head was ripping up his skin. Sometimes it felt like the only he had, the only thing that kept him remotely **sane.**

He walked upstairs for a shower, taking off his socks it was hard not to notice the blisters forming. The water was hot when he stepped in, and he didn’t bother to turn it down. He slowly got dressed after his shower, as he headed downstairs, he noticed Paddy sitting at the table.

“What are you doing here?” Aaron asked

“Your mum talked to me” Paddy explained. “About your dad.”

“Don’t call him that?” Aaron said.

“She’s worried about you” Paddy explained. “And him, she says he has cancer.”

“Is that suppose to make a difference?” Aaron asked him.

“I don’t know, maybe,” Paddy said. “He’s sick, and he might die, it could be your last chance to fix things with him.”

“There's nothing to fix,” Aaron said, he was feeling frustrated. It felt like no one was on his side, no one thought be was being fair on Gordon. He knew it was because they don’t know the truth, but still didn’t he get the benefit of the doubt. Why couldn’t they respect he didn't want Gordon out of his life.

“You might regret not giving him a chance when you're older.”

“I won’t,” Aaron told him, unable to hide the anger. “He can burn in hell for all I care.”

“You might change your mind, Aaron, you might wish you built bridges,” Paddy said.

“He’s burnt them, all of them,” Aaron told him angrily.

“I know a lot happened between you and your dad” Paddy began. “And it must have been hard, him kicking you out.”

“You have no idea” Aaron began.

“Aaron people change.”

 _“Not him_ ,” Aaron told him, he felt sick at the idea that Gordon could have ‘changed.' How could the man who destroyed him, who raped him when was too young to even know what the word meant ever change? People like Gordon, monsters who hurt kids could never change. It wouldn’t matter anyway if somehow Gordon magically changed and felt guilty for what he did. There was no going back for their relationship. He couldn’t even think of the man without his body being wracked with fear. Without feeling his skin crawl and the memories fill his mind.

Aaron had spent most of his life pushing the memories of Gordon out of his head. He had pushed them so far back that he almost believed they didn’t exist. Almost convinced himself he wasn’t a rape victim. Now the memories were back, and nothing could push them back down. They were still so vivid, so fresh, and he could still remember the way he felt when Gordon attacked him. The fear, the hurt, and disgust. The feeling of being dirty of being a bad and wrong. Even more, he could still feel the physical pain Gordon caused him. He needed him out of his life, and he needed to be able to push back the _memories._

“Aaron…” Paddy said Aaron blinked, realising he had gotten lost in his thoughts.

“I can’t see him, Paddy,” Aaron told him. “I need you on my side.”

“Aaron,” Paddy said looking at him shaking his head. “You have to know. I’m always on your side,” Paddy said.

———

When Robert walked into the portacabin, his eyes went straight to Aaron. Aaron was sitting on the floor of the portacabin, leaning against one of the walls, beer in hand. He tried not to look too concerned at Aaron drinking on his own at 4:20 pm.

“Starting without me?” Robert joked as he got a beer from the mini fridge opening it. He took a drink before sitting down on the ground next to Aaron. Sitting down on a cold portacabin floor, something he would only do for Aaron. “Did something happen?”

  
“Paddy talked to me today,” Aaron said taking a drink from his beer bottle. “He wanted me to think about giving Gordon a chance. People change apparently” Robert scoffed at Aaron's words.

“Right, sure he stopped being pedophile” it was impossible not to notice the way Aaron flinched at the word. The way his jaw tightened. “Sorry.”Robert told him, not wanting to make him feel any worse.

“He kept on about how I might regret everything if he dies.”

“You might,” Robert said

“You what?” Aaron said, looking at Robert, anger mixing with confusion.

“I don’t mean regretting not making up with him,” Robert said. “I mean not getting justice.”

“There's no justice Robert don’t you get that” Aaron snapped at him. “People won’t believe me, and I can’t prove it. Best case, I go to court, tell everyone what he did, and watch him walk free” Aaron said. “I can’t live with that.”

“You don’t know that, people will believe you I did,” Robert said. “Your mum, paddy, they’ll know it's the truth,” Robert told him. "No one who knows you, really knows you will think your lying."

“Why are you so obsessed with me telling the truth?” Aaron asked.

“I want justice for you” Robert admitted “And I want him to suffer for what he did to you” Robert agreed. “But I promised to let you do it your way, I’m sticking to that,” Robert said putting down his beer. “Just, keep talking to me okay?”

“Okay” Aaron nodded, Robert took a risk and moved his arm, placing it around Aaron’s Shoulder. His gamble paid off, Aaron moved further into him until his head was resting on his shoulder. They sat together surrounded by a comfortable silence, enjoying each others presence. Robert enjoyed being able to breathe in Aaron’s scent, and Aaron almost felt safe, protected. Feelings he had not felt in years.


	4. Chapter Four

“No, no!” Robert shouted as he shot up in his bed. He ran a shaking hand through his hair and took in a deep breath. It was a dream, Aaron was safe, it was just a stupid nightmare. He started having them recently since he found out the truth about Aaron’s childhood. They were all different but all similar, Aaron in danger, being hurt by Gordon and Robert unable to save him. 

“Robert?” Chrissie questioned her voice tired. She turned over in their bed to look at him. 

“Go back to sleep,” Robert told her turning his eyes away from her. 

“I would if you weren’t tossing and turning, you’ve already kicked me twice” Chrissie complained to him. 

“Sorry,” Robert told her, working hard to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. Chrissie wasn’t the warmest of people, and she wasn’t the type to check he was alright after a nightmare. To be honest, he liked that, most of the time, he didn’t need some to take care of him. Still, sometimes it'd be good to have someone care. It didn’t matter though, all that mattered was knowing Aaron was safe. Robert got out of the bed, grabbing his phone off the bedside table. “I’m going to get some water,” He told her as he headed downstairs.

Robert headed into the kitchen pouring himself a glass of water. He checked his clock, 5 am, there was no point going back to bed. Not that Robert could sleep if he tried. Not until he knew Aaron was okay. He opened his phone he found Aaron’s name in his contacts. He hoped Aaron was asleep, and if he was Robert didn’t want to wake him. Robert knew Aaron was not sleeping after all.

Robert: Are you awake?

Robert only had to wait a few seconds before he was the ellipses, he was awake, he was okay.

Aaron: Yeah, why are you?  
Robert: Dog. Woke up the whole house barking like mad.  
Aaron: Right, did something wake him?  
Robert: Nah, just wanted to be let out. Why are you up?  
Aaron: Can’t sleep

‘Me neither’ Robert thought to himself. Aaron didn’t know Robert wasn’t sleeping though. He didn’t need to know the toll his abuse was taking on Aaron. It wasn’t Aaron’s burden, and he couldn’t compare his feelings to Aaron’s torment. It killed Robert knowing what Aaron had been through, what Gordon took from him. And then to waltz back into Aaron’s life, like nothing had ever happened. It was aggravating to Robert, that monster had no right to speak to Aaron, to be anywhere near him. What kind of monster would do that to their child? 

Robert wanted to destroy Gordon, but he promised Aaron they would do it his way. Of course, that was not going to stop Robert from finding dirt on Gordon. He had his contacts, finding dirt on Gordon and another one tailing him. Hopefully, they would find dirt on him they could use if Aaron wants to press charges. 

Robert: How long have you been up?  
Aaron: Not long. You going back to bed?  
Robert: No point. To early.  
Aaron: Nah, think I’ll go for a run.  
Robert: Want company?  
Aaron: Ah you sure you can keep up.  
Robert: I think you know by now I have a lot of stamina. 

Robert paused before sending the message. Should he really be flirting with Aaron? The last thing Robert wanted was to upset Aaron, at the same time, he didn’t want to treat him differently either. At least 80% of Robert’s messages to Aaron ranged from flirting to outright sexting. It was normal and expected for Robert to flirt with Aaron, and he loved it. He didn’t want to change how he talked to Aaron or the normal back, and forth they shared. Robert pressed send before he could second-guess himself.

Aaron: Guess you’ll have to prove yourself. 

Robert grinned at the response before typing back. They picked a spot to meet, a wooded area near home farm. Robert arrived half an hour later, Aaron was already there. He was red and look sweaty.

“Did you run here?” Robert asked him. It wasn’t exactly a short distance. 

“Thought I’d get a real run in, give you a chance to keep up with me” Aaron joked, he looked more relaxed than he had in days.

“You’re going to eat those words Livsley” Robert joked back with a grin. 

“Am I now?” Aaron asked with a grin. 

———

Robert was exhausted, he never had this much trouble keeping up with Aaron. Robert couldn’t tell if it was fitness level or just how much Aaron pushed himself. He was worried it was the latter, Aaron looked tired when he arrived and had already been running. After 40 minutes of running, they had circled back to where they started. 

“Surprised you could keep up” Aaron smiled, the smile felt genuine to Robert.

“Told you I got Stamina,” Robert said with a grin on his face. 

“I know you do” Robert smirked at Aaron’s response. He missed flirting with Aaron, missed touching him, even just kissing him. God, being with Aaron was like nothing else he ever experienced. Something he knew he wasn’t giving up. 

“You look tired,” Robert told him honestly. 

“I am, a bit,” Aaron told him honestly. “I'll be all right though.” 

“How?” Robert asked. “How have you been dealing with it?” 

“I dunno” Aaron began “He’s gone now, I don’t have to see him, I can push it down,” Aaron told him. Robert wanted to say to him that it wouldn’t work, that he needed to tell someone, that his father belonged in prison. Robert had already said that, and Aaron didn’t need to hear it. He promised Aaron they would do it his way. 

“If you need anything” Robert began. 

“I know,” Aaron told him. Robert smiled at him putting a hand on his face. Aaron smiled back at him. Robert leaned forward, pausing for a second, before looking Aaron in the eye, asking for permission. He leaned forward kissing Aaron softly on the lips. It was the briefest of kisses. 

It was different from the other kisses they shared fuelled with passion and lust. This kiss though, it wasn’t about sex, it was about comfort, it was about a promise to be there. It was the first kiss they shared since Robert found out about Aaron’s childhood. The first kiss since Robert realized he loved Aaron. Aaron leaned forward wrapping his arms around Robert in a hug. Robert wrapped his arms around Aaron, trying to show Aaron his love, and the promise to keep him safe in a simple hug. Aaron pulled away wiping his eyes, but a smile on his face. 

“I better head back,” Aaron told him. 

“You can’t run back,” Robert said. “You look like you’ll drop dead.” 

“Gee, thanks for that” Aaron replied sarcastically. 

“You know what I mean. You're exhausted.” 

“I'll be alright,” Aaron told him. 

“Come up to Home Farm. I can drive you back. We can get breakfast” Aaron seemed to smile at the thought before shaking his head. 

“Don’t you need to get to work?” Aaron asked him. 

“It can wait,” Robert told him with a smile. 

“No, we’d have to explain why were having breakfast, and I’m okay to run” Robert wanted to argue the point, but instead he nodded. 

“Okay,” Robert said with a nod. “Text me when you get back,” He told him. Aaron smiled at him putting in his headphones and running away from him. Of course, Robert watched him run away, taking the time to admire his body. Robert was a man after all. 

————— 

Chas had completely lost her mind. It was the only thing that could explain her actions. She had spent another night tossing and turning unable to sleep. She knew Aaron wanted nothing to do with his father, but she feared he would regret it later. The sorrow for Gordon was also a factor. No one deserved to go through cancer alone. Yes, she had lost her mind. It was the only thing that could explain why she was standing outside her ex-husband's house despite her son’s clear objections. 

Gordon opened the door looking at her in shock. “Chas,” He said the shock evident in his voice. 

“Hiya” Chas responded plastering a smile on her face. 

“You're the last person I expected to see,” Gordon told her as he winded the door to let her in. “Well, second to last” Gordon continued a look on regret on his face. Chas knew he must have been talking about Aaron, and she understood where he was coming from. She knew what it was like to want Aaron in her life only for Aaron to reject her. 

“We didn’t get much of a chance talk before…” Chas began. Pausing for a second, trying to find the best words to describe Aaron’s reaction. 

“Before Aaron refused to talk to me” Gordon contained for her.  
“He’s just angry and confused. It’s a lot to process” Chas defended. 

“And as much as I want to discuss this further, I have to go” Gordon explained. “I have an appointment.” 

“An appointment?” Chas questioned him. “Is about the…” 

“Cancer?” Gordon asked. “You can say it,” Gordon said. “Second chemo session.” 

“Sorry, it’s all just a shock,” Chas told him. “I haven’t seen you in years, and we didn’t leave on good terms, now your back and…”  
“Sick? Possibly dying?” Gordon finished for her. 

“How are you getting there? To the appointment?” Chas asked changing the subject. 

“I was going to call a cab” He explained, Chas tried to fight back the pity she felt for Gordon. To be so alone that no one could drive you to your cancer treatment. 

“I’ll take you” Chas offered before she could second guess herself further. “You shouldn’t be doing this alone.” 

“You’d do that,” Gordon asked. 

“Of course,” Chas told him. 

——— 

“You’re late” Lawrence scolded Robert as he walked into the office. Robert quickly locked at his watch, three minutes late. Robert rolled his eyes rather then responding and headed to his desk, Chrissie smiled at him. 

 

“Where you this morning?” She asked him. “I went for a run,” Robert told her.

“You haven’t done that for a while,” Chrissie said. 

“Well, I’m getting married in a few days: Robert smiled. “I want to look my best”. Chrissie smiled at him. He noticed an exchange of concerned looks between Lawrence and Chrissie. 

“What’s going on” Chrissie asked as she stood up from the desk. 

“What do you mean?” Robert asked Chrissie, painting a look of confusion on his face. 

“You’ve been the distance the past few days,” Chrissie told him. 

“No I haven’t” Robert tried, he knew she was right, he was distant. It was impossible to focus, his mind completely focused on Aaron. He knew it was wrong, Aaron wasn’t the one he was marrying, and he wanted to marry Chrissie. Yeah, he didn’t love Chrissie, not really. She was a part of his plan, to get money, to get Lawrence company, to make something of himself. It was all he wanted, so why was he being so distracted by Aaron. How the hell had he let himself fall in love with him? Let himself care about him so much, it was a stupid mistake. 

He couldn’t deny it happened, he fell in love. It didn’t have to be all or nothing though, he could marry Chrissie and look after Aaron. Be with Aaron, keep Aaron safe from Gordon. It was possible. He could have both. 

“Robert I’m not blind,” Chrissie said. “You haven’t even touched me in days” Chrissie explained. 

“Your imagining things” Robert tried to tell her, tried to convince her. “I’ve just been busy that’s all” 

“What with Aaron?” Chrissie asked. 

“Yeah, he’s needed a friend” Robert explained, he had never given her the slightest hint he was interested in men. Chrissie was insecure but she would never jump to the conclusion that he was with Aaron. 

“It’s just, you were never friends with Aaron until a few days ago, and suddenly he’s confiding in you,” Chrissie said. 

“I invested in his business,” Robert said. 

“You said it was a good opportunity, not that you had befriended him.” Chrissie asked him suspicion clear in her tone. 

There was one clear way out of the argument, sharing Aaron’s secret. He could explain away his current behavior, the weight of Aaron’s secret would change how anyone acted. Even without the bond he had with Aaron. Robert could not do that to Aaron though. He knew it was a betrayal, Yet, he felt no guilt turning the argument on Chrissie. 

“I need you to trust me Chrissie,” Robert told her. “I feel like we’ve been through this a million times before. You get jealous and accuse me of cheating or follow me to hotel rooms” Robert said. “It hurt’s Chrissie, that you can’t trust me.” And just like that everything was turned around. Chrissie replaced her suspicion with guilt and promises to be better. Usually Robert felt good when he talked Chrissie around, this time he just felt empty.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  Basically all i'm taking from this  week's episodes is, aww picnic! The absolute adorableness of Aaron stealing Roberts clothes, Robert and Aaron running together! This is everything!    
> 
> So just a warning that this chapter has a lot of Gordon, it’s all from Chas’ perspective. 
> 
> This story also uses some of the storylines from young Aaron and Chas. Though I had to change Aaron’s age when it all happened, since everything between Chas had happened before Liv being born, and they changed Aaron’s age when she was born from 13 to 10. 
> 
> Here are some of the clips I referenced. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGEkxnmy2pM
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEtVxX3BQPw

The silence was suffocating. Gordon and Chas had been in the waiting room for thirty minutes without a word.  Now Chas sat in a chair next to him as he received his treatment. They had exhausted topics about the weather, news and all the go to awkward conversations topics. 

“How is he?” Gordon finally said breaking the silence.  

“Good, good” Chas said. She stopped finding the right words, finding something to say.  

“Does he have a job?” Gordon asked filling the silence. 

“He’s a Mechanic, well he was” Chas began. “He’s started a business,” Chas added. 

“A business?” Gordon questioned her, his tone curious. 

“A scrapyard” Chas explained. 

“Right,” Gordon said, his voice not sounding too impressed. 

“He’ reckons there's good money it” Chas defended him.  

“Right” Gordon repeated with a nod. “He never seemed to have a head for business, only trouble.” 

“That’s still true,” Chas said. “He doesn’t mean to get into trouble though, I mean he’s been through a lot” Chas explained. “Sometimes he acts out because, well he has a lot of pain he’s dealing with him,” Chas told him.  

“What happened to him?” Gordon asked a look of concern on his face. 

“He had a hard time accepting he was gay” Chas explained to him.  

“Aaron’s gay?” Gordon asked raising an eyebrow. “Our Aaron?”   

“I was shocked too,” Chas said. “He hid it well, had girls, lashed out at anyone who caught on. He beat up Paddy, and a guy he was interested in because he was paranoid everyone would find out. The man pressed charges.” Chas explained, “That’s when Paddy told me, and Aaron couldn't handle everyone knowing." Chas stopped, wondering how she could explain the next part to Gordon. It was a memory she tried her best not to ever think about. "He tried to kill himself.”  

“He…” Gordon stopped speaking, closing his eyes for a second as if processing what Chas told him. “Aaron tried to kill himself?” Gordon asked. “Why didn’t you call me?”  

“You wanted nothing to do with him. You made that clear” Chas said.   

“You didn’t think this was different?” Gordon said.  

“To be honest, I was scared you wouldn’t accept him” Chas admitted. “And I didn’t think he could handle it you rejecting him again.”   

“You didn’t give me a chance,” Gordon complained.  “I could of helped.” 

“I gave you a chance Gordon, I left him with you, and you kicked him out,” Chas told him sternly.  

“And you abandoned him,” Gordon said. “He was eight, and you left him behind, and you got a second chance.” He said, his voice controlled, but anger evident in his tone. 

“And I regret that every day,” Chas said, holding back his anger. “But I don’t regret not calling you. I did what was best for Aaron. He couldn’t handle being gay, and if one of his parents rejected him…” Chas began. 

“What makes you think I would reject him?” Gordon asked.  

“Come on Gordon. You were never exactly gay-friendly.” Chas said, remembering a few homophobic comments from Gordon when they were young.  

“And your family was?” Gordon asked. To be fair he did have a point, the men in her family had been particular homophobic. “You can’t tell me Cain or your dad were accepting?” 

“My family accepted him in the end,” Chas said.  “And I should have had that same chance” Gordon complained. 

“Well you have it now,” Chas told him. “Prove to him you can accept It.” 

“I will,” Gordon told her. “What happened, after he…” 

“He had court soon after. They thought it was a homophobic attack,” Chas explained. “He told the truth, in the end. Told the court he punched Jackson because he was gay and was scared people would figure it out.” Chas continued. “He was brave,” Chas said to him.  

“God, I missed so much," Gordon said regret in his tone.

"You have no idea" Chas spoke bitterly.  

———    
 

Robert blinked at his computer screen. He had spent the past half hour trying to focus on a report. It was utterly pointless trying to focus he finally decided.  Opening an incognito window his browsers he paused for a second before typing ‘my partner was sexually abused.' He chose those words because it seemed like a better search topic than ‘the man I am having an affair with behind my females fiancés back was sexually abused, and now his abuser is back in his life.' Truthfully Robert was flying blind. He felt completely out of his depth on how he could best help Aaron. He had started researching the effects of childhood sexual abuse on adults, effects of trauma on development, anything that could help him understand what Aaron needed.  

Robert wished the information was more helpful, most of it was about making sure his ‘partner’ felt safe. One specifically told him not to go after his partner’s abuser. Of course, he wanted to do that, who wouldn’t. Other’s told him of the importance of his own self-care and finding someone to disclose to. Right, he couldn’t talk to someone about what Aaron was going through. Who could he talk to without both ruining his relationship with Chrissie and betraying Aaron’s trust? He heard footsteps and quickly exited the browser opening the report back up.  

 

“You look like you need a break,” Chrissie told her as she walked into the office. 

“Or coffee” Robert joked with a smile, his phone started to vibrate in his pocket. Taking the phone out of his pocket, he looked down at Rebecca’s name on the screen. She had been calling a few times in the past few weeks. Talking about the wedding, subtly trying to get him to change his mind.  

“We should have lunch,” Chrissie said, Robert looked up at her. “Somewhere nice,” Chrissie said. 

“Sounds good,” He said rejecting Rebecca call and putting his phone back down.  

“We should turn our phones off, shut off distractions.” Robert wanted to protest, the thought of not being available if Aaron needed him. However, Aaron seemed safe, and sure Gordon was gone. He had been neglecting Chrissie too, a couple of hours away from his phone would not kill him. 

“Good idea,” Robert said as he put down his phone. They would be back in a few hours. Everything would be okay. 

———     

“He started dating a boy, Jackson” Chas explained. “I thought everything was getting better. And then there was an accident, Jackson got hurt,” Chas told him. “He was paralyzed from the neck down.”   

“How old was Aaron?” Gordon asked.  

“Eighteen Chas said, “He stepped up, took care of him, and would have spent the rest of his life with him, “Chas explained. “I was half proud of him, half worried he was throwing his life away," Chas told him. "He was a young lad committing himself to his first boyfriend for life." 

“What made Aaron stay with him?” Gordon asked. “He’s not exactly a natural caretaker.” Chas initially disagreed with Gordon's statement. Once you got passed Aaron's walls, he would go out of his way to help someone. Even if helping them was at his own expenses. Maybe Gordon never saw that side of Aaron, or only remembered the worst of Aaron. 

“It’s Aaron, once he loves someone, he’d do anything for them,” Chas said.  

“Except his father,” Gordon said sadly looking down at his hands.   

“Sorry,” Chas said. “I didn’t mean… Aaron does care” Chas promised him. “He just needs times to calm down, and then he’ll come to you.”  

“What if he doesn’t,” Gordon asked.   

“He will,” Chas said. “I know deep down he wants to make up with you,” Chas said. “He was just so hurt and angry when you kicked him out.”  

“Did he ever talk to you about it?” Gordon asked.   

“No, he was too angry with me for years” Chas explained. “I deserved it, but he was hard to deal with,”  Chas explained to him. 

“I know, he went off the rails. I wanted to be there for him, but he got so violent. I had to protect Olivia and Sandra” Gordon said.  

“I can’t judge you, Gordon,” Chas told him. “I let him down too.”  

“What happened to his boyfriend?” Gordon said. “Jackson?”  

“He died,” Chas said. “He couldn’t cope with being paralyzed, and he convinced his mother and Aaron to help him kill” Chas explained. “Assisted suicide,” Chas told him. “I don’t think Aaron will ever forgive himself.”   

“God, Poor Aaron” Gordon said. “I should have been there for him.”   

"I doubt he would of let you" Chas explained to him. "He barely let me."

"What happened?" Gordon asked him.

"I'm only telling you this because of your his dad, and I think you to deserve to know" Chas explained.

"What is it?" Gordon said.

"A few months after Jackson had died, it seemed like things were getting better," Chas said. “Then I caught him... cutting himself."

"Cutting?" Gordon questioned.

"I know it's shocking, terrifying actually" Chas began. 

"It's not" Gordon started. "Not shocking I mean, when he was little after you left," Gordon told her. “He’d cry, get angry, and take it out on me when that wasn’t enough he'd take it out on himself. I didn’t know what Aaron was doing. He’d come home with bruises on his arms. I thought he was getting into fights.” Gordon told her. “Then one night we got into an argument about you. He wanted to find you, I said you weren’t coming back, and he ran to his room,” Gordon said. “I found him later, banging his arms against the bathroom wall, he was doing it to himself.” 

“God, I wish you called me, I would have come running,” Chas told him sadly. 

“I didn’t know that at the time, I thought you didn’t want either one of us” Gordon explained. 

“I’m so sorry Gordon,” Chas told him "I should never have left him." 

"We did okay, for a while anyway," Gordon said to him. "It was tough though, losing you, raising Aaron." Gordon began. “I let him down.”

“We both did,” Chas said putting a hand on Gordon’s now. “It’ll take time, but you can make it up to him,” Chas said. “Just don’t push it, he’ll come to you eventually. 

———     

     When Aaron arrived back at the pub, he went into the kitchen, putting on the kettle. He hadn’t heard much from Robert since their run. It wasn’t exactly shocking. He only heard from Robert when he was horny and wanted to meet up or sext. It was only in the past few days, since Gordon, that Robert was always checking in on him, or just wanting to chat. Though some of his texts were flirty, none of them even mentioned sex. They were all checking he was okay, asking him for a drink or to tag along on a run. 

It was comforting, confusing and terrifying all at the same time. It was comforting because well, Aaron knew he was falling in love with Robert. That intense feeling was the reason why when he saw Gordon his first thoughts was finding Robert. Robert was exactly what his brain told him he wanted. Robert was the only thing he needed when his biggest fear, his monster walked back into his life. It confusing, why he thought Robert could help when all he had wanted from Aaron in the past was sex. Despite everything, Robert was exactly what Aaron needed. Robert wasn’t perfect, but he was there, and he was willing to do everything Aaron’s way. He even told Aaron he loved him, he didn’t believe it, not fully but those words brought him so much comfort. And so much fear.

After all, he told Robert the worst thing about him, the worst thing that ever had happened to him. The thing he had spent over half his life pushing down and hiding from everyone. There had been times when he had almost told Chas and Paddy, even a few times where he almost told Jackson. He never had though, the fear that everyone would be disgusted, that they would work away. Or they would never look at him the same, or treat him like he wasn’t a person. Worst of all he was paralysed by the fear that no one would believe him, that they would think he was making it up. Aaron was the only person who seemed to know what Gordon was really like. He’d seen Gordon talk his way out of a million different situation, and he had seen him expertly turn the situation around, so he was the victim. Gordon was a master liar, so much so that Aaron had questioned his sanity for years. Especially after the first time, the angry man that tore him apart inside and out when he was eight could not exist. Not when Gordon was buying him gifts and taking him on trips, acting the role of the perfect father. 

It couldn’t be real, it didn’t make sense, it couldn’t have happened. It made Aaron think that his head must have been broken, if it wasn’t real why would his mind come up with it. What kind of sick mind would create that? And how had mind come up with something so vivid that he could still remember the pain, feel it in his body? Maybe if Gordon never did it again, he would have spent his whole life believing he made it up. And if Gordon could convince Aaron it wasn’t real, that it was all a dream when he could still remember the pain, the fear. What was going to stop Gordon from convincing everyone Aaron was making it up?

When Robert believed him, it lifted a weight off his shoulders. Aaron was terrified Robert just saw him as a victim now, but he had reassured Aaron he didn’t. Robert told Aaron he was brave and strong. Even though Aaron didn’t believe him, those words were amazing to hear. He even told Aaron he still wanted him, and Aaron prayed he was telling the truth. His head was a complete mess, and with memories of Gordon so fresh in his mind. So overwhelming, he knew sex wasn’t something he could have again until he learned to push them back down. Still, losing what he had with Robert over Gordon. Robert not wanting to touch him because of disgust, it would be another thing Gordon took from him. 

Sex with Robert was entirely different from any other experience Aaron had before. With Jackson, it was always cautious, gentle and caring. With Ed it was well, safe and cautious, he always felt he was holding something back from Ed, and he was sure Ed could feel it. With Robert though, it was completely overwhelming. The first kiss on the bypass had triggered something inside of him. It practically set his body on fire, and he needed Robert then and there. Of course, Robert left him on the road confused and angry. 

He came back though, and even though it was just a quick fumble in the back seat of a car, it was one of the best sexual experiences of Aaron’s life. That experience was nothing compared to their first time in Aaron’s room. It was completely mind blowing, and from the way, Robert looked at him after he knew he felt it too. Aaron had never felt so much lust and passion before. Hell, he didn’t think it was possible to want anyone as much as he wanted Robert. And the way Robert looked at him. Fuck, it was amazing, the look in Robert’s eyes when they were together, the hunger and absolute want. His gaze was so intense and made Aaron feel like he was the only thing in the world Robert wanted. Just a look could make Aaron feel weak in the knees he didn’t know. Aaron was scared of losing that, of Robert never wanting him again. 

Robert didn’t seem disgusted though, he flirted and even kissed him. The kiss was different from the other they shared. Simple and quick, but completely comforting and reassuring. The look in Robert's eye’s when he pulled away, made him feel loved, cared for. Robert was looking at him with what looked like love. He wanted to believe it, wanted him to love him. His mind though was so well programmed to find every fault he had. To pick apart everything good Aaron had and convince himself he wasn’t worth it. 

He tried not to worry too much about it. Robert had things to do after all. His phone beeped, indicating his battery was low. Aaron rolled his eyes putting his phone down before he headed to his room for his charger.

When he opened the door his stomach dropped, his room had they faint smell of vomit, and someone was in his room, his bed. Gordon. His blood turned cold, and he fought the urge to vomit. Aaron blinked, maybe he was hallucinating, he was barely sleeping after all. His nightmares must have been leaking into his life. 

No, this was real. Gordon was in his room, one of the few places he had felt safe. Now, it was just another place where Gordon could get to him, where Gordon could find him. It wasn’t safe, and the man now tainted it. The thought of lying on those same sheets as that man. The smell bringing back disgusting memories. He couldn’t handle it. He closed the door, leaning against it trying to regain his composure. 

Why was Gordon here, who let him in? What did he plan to do? Was he waiting for him? 

He gained enough composure to walk down the stairs, seeing Chas as he walked into the room. 

"Aaron, your home" Chas said with a smile, though her voice strained. 

“Gordon he’s…” Aaron began, feeling sick as he watched Chas expression. She knew Gordon was here. 

"I was going to talk to you" She began as she walked closer to Aaron. 

“You promised me we’d do it my way” Aaron shouted, feeling betrayed. 

"I know and we will, I didn't mean for him to be here," Chas told her as he put an arm on Aaron's shoulder. He instantly flinched away. 

“I can’t be near him, I need him gone,” Aaron said 

“Aaron!” Chas shouted. “Are you really not going to give him a second chance?” Chas yelled. “Look how much you’ve changed, how much I’ve changed.” 

"This is different. He's different!" Aaron shouted, why couldn't she understand. 

“You gave me a chance, and I know I hurt you, probably worse than Gordon ever did.” Chas looked down sadly at her hands. She still regretted how she had treated Aaron in the past. 

“No mum, that’s not true,” Aaron told her as he looked her in the eye. She couldn't believe anything she did was as bad as what Gordon did. 

“It is Aaron, you gave me a chance, and I left you.” Chas began as her mind flashed back to some of her worse parenting moments. The memories that physically hurt to remember. “I hit you, Aaron,” Chas said, Aaron closed his eyes clearing remembering. 

“That wasn’t your fault,” Aaron said, he remembered that moment too. He remembered complaining to Gordon about Chas on the phone, about how he missed Sandra. Sandra who seemed to make Gordon happier, calmer, the man he had known before Chas left. Sandra who read him stories and made him dinners. He remembered being angry at Chas, and he hated being around her when he knew he would have to go back home. The first visit was only a few weeks after the first time Gordon raped him and he was still too afraid to put a foot wrong. He didn’t speak much to her, and he did what he was told and little else. 

He had a fantasy in his head back then. With the attack so recent he was convinced the second Chas saw him she would know something had happened. She would see his fear, and hurt and protect him. She didn’t though, instead she spent the day trying to figure out what she had done wrong and buy his affection. An action that was jarring for Aaron. Bringing back memories of the fish and chips, toy cars and all the gifts Gordon brought him to apologise. It made Aaron angry and withdrew further into his head, further away from the one person he wanted to open up to. Back then Aaron wanted to tell Chas, but Aaron didn’t even know how to describe what had happened, what it was. He never told her though, instead of each visit, each time she missed it his anger and distance grew. 

Later, when Chas slapped him, he wasn’t angry at Chas, he wasn’t even hurt. He was just terrified. Aaron had tried so hard to be good, and Aaron had failed, what if Chas told Gordon how naughty he was? What if he punished him again? In the end, Gordon twisted the situation, used it as leverage to keep Aaron from going back to Chas. He never blamed Chas though, his mind believing he deserved it. He was a naughty kid, completely unlovable. Chas had practically said it herself before Aaron refused to return. He remembered those words for days ’How sad is that eh, I don’t even like my own child’. When she said those words, he had called Sandra begging to come home, but inside the words completely tore him apart. He lashed out at her, but deep down it was about the fact she realised how bad he was. Like Gordon, she realized Aaron was unlovable and naughty. His mum was never going to love him enough to save him from Gordon. 

“I know what I was like back then. I was a brat.” 

“Aaron,” Chas said a look of concern on her face. “That doesn’t justify… What I did, when I hit you, I never should of done that. It was unforgivable, and you didn’t deserve it. You know that right.” 

“I know” Aaron lied. 

“Your dad… He never hit you?” Chas said Aaron, examined her face, the look of worry and panic. The truth, the real truth of what Gordon did to him would kill her. She would blame herself even though it wasn’t her fault. He couldn’t put that weight on her. It wasn't fair. 

“No,” Aaron told her. 

“Because if he did Aaron, if he hurt you” Chas began. 

“He didn’t hit me mum” Aaron lied again, a lie that caused a look of relief on Chas’ face. “I just, I can’t be around him.” 

“Okay,” Chas said. “I need to be here for him, help him. I’m asking you to understand that” 

“Why do you need to do that?” Aaron asked. 

“I don’t know love. I just do” Chas said. “He’s alone, and he has no one.” 

“Maybe that’s because he deserves it,” Aaron told her. 

“No one does Aaron, and I understand how you feel,” Chas said to him. “I went to his treatment with him, and on the way back he started to get sick.” Chas began to tell him. “Emmerdale was closer than his place. I didn't think he would make it all the way back home. Not with how sick he was, I made a snap decision. 

Next time I’ll figure a way to help him without bringing him here, but for now, he has to stay” Chas told him. 

“I can’t stay here if he does,” Aaron told her. 

“Then you can’t stay here, at least for the next few days,” Chas said. “I know it seems harsh Aaron, but he has no one else, and he’s too sick to travel.” 

“You’re choosing him,” Aaron said feeling sick, now Gordon was trying to take his mum from his, and it was working. 

“No, of course not,” Chas said. 

“Sure feels like it,” Aaron said before he turned around walking out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter  
> Aaron deals with Gordon's return and his feelings of betrayal. Robert finds out Gordon has returned, what will he do to protect Aaron?

**Author's Note:**

> So Aaron responds to Robert very differently in this story, at the time of this story, Aaron had just fallen in love with Robert and many of their relationships hurdles had not happen. So wanting to seek comfort in Robert was more natural. This chapter is mainly just set up for the story, I spent a lot of time thinking about how Robert would act if he found out about the abuse early in the relationship.


End file.
